Don’t get better. Get smart and get some.


This is my second blog regarding Chronic Illness and sex. Again, if you are a prude, go outside, make yourself a cup of tea, and think of fairies and pixie dust. If you’re Chronically Ill yourself, or a partner is, then for the love of God, keep reading and get some ideas into that Chronically Ill little head of yours. And then have your brains shagged out.

Any and all feedback is appreciated
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You know, I always wondered why, before a performer sets foot on stage, you call out ‘break a leg!’. You would never wish such  injury upon them, if they are about to have a great performance.

And it got me thinking about another type of performance. If we know a friend is about to tap in, we don’t nudge them and shout ‘Break a dick!’ or ‘Break a vag!’. You wouldn’t really wish such ill fortune upon a friend as they are shagging, unless of course they have cockblocked you (You know who you are). And in that case, you hope the train arrives at the station too early, just to teach them a lesson.

And yet, sex and illness or misfortune is more closely linked than we realise. Two of the more popular dysphemistic terms for sex are ‘Screwing’ and ‘Fucking’. Yep, there we go, I said it. You can pick your jaw up off the floor now. And yet we tend to use these as dysphemisms for our health too. ‘Yep, got my latest results back, I’m screwed/fucked’. And I find this interesting, for two reasons.

Reason A; there is nothing erotic about being sick.

Reason B; It’s related to sex, and that’s ALWAYS interesting.

You see, the thing is, when you are Chronically Ill, the two merge together. Sex and illness have to form their own version of the good old horizontal tango. You can’t be without your illness, and you can’t be without sex.

For a long time, I remained adamant that my conditions would not interfere with my sex life, and I would sooner do shots of Fortisip before I would concede that it may have some impact.

And then I started actually having a sex life. (Yes, I know, your precious little world is yet to accept the fact that we can be sick and horny at the same time)

It’s safe to say that this was my ‘Aha’ moment. Or should I say ‘ahhh-ha’ So what do you do? Or more to the point how do you do it?

Every condition is different, and every condition presents it’s own set of challenges. But all challenges can be ‘overcum’, you just need to be clever about it. Be you be straight, gay, lesbian or somewhere in between, your choice of partner or nature of disease is irrelevant. It’s the sex techniques we’re interested in, not cannulating tips.

One of the greatest difficulties facing young adults with a Chronic Illness in their sex life is Chronic pain. Many conditions cause Chronic pain, be it widespread, or in a specific area (And I’m hoping for your sake that it’s not in your map of Tasmania, because that would be most unfortunate). Be it Fibromyalgia (like me), Arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, Chrons, Cancer, you name it, it hurts like a bitch. Every single breath is consumed with a pain bigger than ‘The great American challenge’. See below

And this creates a problem. We want it, that goes without saying. Especially when his eyes are that blue, how sexy she looks in the morning, when he kisses your neck, working his way down…..I’ll stop before this turns into a Literotica.

 But while our nether regions are begging for it, our joints, skin, muscles, organs or lungs are living in a permanent state of fear of the Nookie Monster. It’s coming, and it’s going to hurt. I’m not entirely sure what the Nookie Monster looks like, but I imagine it looks a lot like a Naked Mole Rat, which looks a lot like…anyway. I’m sure you can guess.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I was never going to be a famous gymnast. I once famously broke my ankle in the change rooms prior to a gymnastics lesson. And this was before I became sick. Now, it’s safe to say that I am no human pretzel. It’s simply the reality of my disease, as well as many others; mobility is restricted. So does this mean that your sex life is restricted?

Only if you are using bondage.

 

You don’t have to get cured, and you don’t have to get flexible. You just need to get smart to get some.

Positioning is the greatest obstacle, quite literally. This does not mean that you are forever stuck to a life of Missionary like Patrick the Starfish. There are many positions which require minimal movement or gumby limbs, which are still exciting, and aren’t going to land you in the hospital.

This weeks featured ‘Sick and sexy’ position is the ‘Saucy spoons’. It’s simple, and fun. You merely spoon, as he enters you from behind, leaving his hands free to further excite you. No bending your Arthritic hips, no ileostomy bag getting in the way, and you’ll be left ‘ahhhh’ ing rather than ‘owwww’ing.

Another perfect position for us Sickies is the ‘Time bomb’. Why it’s called the time bomb, don’t ask me, I’ve no idea.  Pehaps it doesn’t take long for you to blast off. Have the male partner sit on a low chair (his spine hits the wood, not yours, score!), you slowly lower yourself onto him, inch by inch, until you reach full entry. I’m sure I don’t need to explain the rest, and if I do, there’s something more wrong with you than a Chronic Illness.

This position remains exciting because it’s likely to be in a different room, and if you’re anything like me and love kissing during, then it also proves to be better than Maxalon.

Sickness still leads to sexness.

But not everything is about positioning. There are more positions which are great for us, and they will feature in later blogs, but there is a limit for us. The Disease Kama Sutra never was particularly thick. So that’s why we need to become creative in other areas.

Another tip is to paint yourself with chocolate body paint in areas which are not painful for you. That way, your partner can enjoy the chocolate, you can enjoy them enjoying the chocolate, and neither of you will be worried about a painful area becoming involved. Unless of course you are anaphylactic to chocolate. That could be a small problem.

So often we are held at the mercy of our body so much, we forget that there are sensations outside of pain, nausea and sickness in general. Have your partner blindfold you with a silk scarf, and very gently have them touch and kiss you. Focus on the sensations, and take note of what feels pleasurable. Slowly you are able to retrain your brain to appreciate that touch isn’t always painful or medical related. There are touches outside of IV’s in your arms and doctors gloved hands ‘checking out the waterworks’.

Chances are, anything that is cramped or tiled is not going to be a fantastic place for your sick little body to have it’s brains or platelets shagged out. Bath sex, shower sex, car sex; you may have to forget it. Those bruises will be there for a week girl, and you’re going to have fun explaining those to your pathologist. However, there are plenty of soft surfaces outside of a bed, to ensure things stay interesting. Couches, trampolines, picnic rugs and cushions at a secluded lake…

Sometimes it can be frustrating that your friends and peers can do it how they want, when they want. But next time you are talking about sexploits with friends, and they list a range of positions longer than your PICC line, don’t feel disheartened.

Because you are going to have the Oxycontin of sex lives, while they are stuck in a bed with Panadol.

Besides, we all know that the ‘O’ in Oxy stands for ‘Ohmygod’.

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6 thoughts on “Don’t get better. Get smart and get some.

  1. Speechless at your writing ability and your maturity and sense of humor combined.

    This was a fantastic, much needed piece.

    Hugs xxoo

  2. Oh how I wish there was such a thing as a blog when I was a teenager, or even still in my early twenties. Sex was never ever put on the table and talked about with doctors because after all, why would a woman with a chronic illness have any interest in sex?

    • I really can relate Chandra. It’s almost seen as dirty. So many people hold the belief, most especially medical specialists, that we will not be interested in sex, for we are ill, and we are pure, We live a life of illness, and nothing more. They could not be more wrong. I really hope that this helped you a little, and I hope to write another ‘sex blog’ soon xx

      • There’s fairly active online community for people who have various forms of ichthyosis as I do. My generation is the first one to have survived to adulthood while having such a severe case, thus the few people in my age group tend to get private emails and such asking about how we deal/dealt with sex and potential partners. I cannot even begin to express how amusing I find this as I really blundered around on my own figuring things out. The most important life lesson I have learned that’s applicable no matter what your health problems are is that your attitude about your sex appeal is much harsher than anyone else’s. We are our own biggest obstacles to romantic relationships. As to how to have sex, where there’s a will, there’s a way! You have to keep trying and eventually you find solutions to the physical obstacles. One just has to be creative whether it be what sort of furniture, pillows to provide support and position as needed, etc.

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