“Before the Worst, by The Script”
There was a time that we would stay up all night,
Best friends, talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose, but so much to gain
When I was a little girl, when my room was still pink and tulle still fashionable, everything made sense. Fairies played with the angels, butterflies could dance and rainbows were always followed by a pot of gold. Everything was true, as simple as good and evil, and nothing impossible.Life was a fairytale.
Each night Mum would read me a fairytale, turning each of the pulped pages with a careful finger. I would nuzzle into her when the big bad wolf, the dragon guarding the castle would appear. But you always knew it would be ok. They always lived happily ever after.
No-one ever told me that the dragons were real. All this time I was afraid of the monster hiding under the bed. When I should have been afraid of the monster hiding in our own bodies. Life is not a fairytale. There are big bad wolves called Disease, Fight, Survival and machines. But I was to learn this in time.
Bone by brittle bone, muscle after muscle was attacked. Disease was here. There was no Prince Charming to save me now. Just the wonders of modern medicine, with some wishing and praying thrown in. But I wasn’t the only one. It attacked you too. First your bones, later your lungs. And somewhere in the dark forest, the in between of life and death, we found one another. And that was the beginning of Goggs and Snorkles.
We were introduced through a foundation for Seriously Ill teenagers. But when we spoke, the machines, the bald, the wheelchairs. They melted. There was just you and me, our souls laid bare. I never knew you to be well, and you never knew me to be well. I was just Snorkles. You were just Goggs. And everything was just as it should be.
We were thinking that we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Is trying to take it back, before it all went wrong
Before the worst
Every night, while the drugs ravaged our tiny bods, we would talk for hours. You would speak from your hospital bed, me from my bed at home. Sexy boys, silly dogs, heaven, life, death, Oxy, butterflies and fairy lights. You knew that I wanted to live in a blue house, and drink iced coffees in every country of the world. I knew that you wanted to be a writer, a photographer, an interior designer and more. Everyday we faced peoples greatest fears, yet you couldn’t bear to watch 60 minutes, and I was terrified of sparrows.
And then the Big Bad Wolf was too strong. Your eyes were heavy. Your heart was tired.. I told you I loved you. You told me that you loved me. We both knew. We always knew. Your wings were waiting for you.
Tomorrow it will be one month. One month since you were freed. I close my eyes, and you are so close. Your photos shine in my bedroom. I wear you on my wrist every single day. The letters printed, the memories nestled in my heart. And then I go to text you, and I remember. And the tears drip down my cheeks.
And I tried to take it back before it all went wrong
There was the bus trip through the city. We blew kisses to tradies, joked about a run away wig, took photos of random old men and ducked from branches. There were the hours on the couch, eyes heavy with Oxy, watching dirty movies, painting our nails in every colour of hope and arguing over who the dog loved more. There was the city lights, sparking on the river, while we sat on the waters edge. You squealed at how pretty the city lights were. I smiled at how pretty you were. There were the countless hours in front of the computer screen, fingers clacking, crying, laughing and smiling. Showing our puppies on webcam, and the cat with the bung eye. Sweet dreams, we whispered.
If the clouds don’t clear
Then we’ll rise above it, rise above it
Heavens gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we use to, like we use to
And then you told me how beautiful it was. And I knew you had your fairytale, your gold at the end of the rainbow. Your hair flows, your limbs dance, the butterflies sing. You are Goggs, just how you should be. You fly, and I dance. You will come with me while I sit my exams, fall in love, make love under the stars, travel the world and drink iced coffees in every country of the world.
When I was a little girl, I believed in fairytales, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No one ever warned me about the dragon guarding the castle. But they never told me about you either. You are so much more beautiful than any Fairytale. You showed me how love, courage and a glint in the eye is stronger than any Disease.